Subculture: Doctors who think that they are gods

In recent weeks, my boyfriend has been experiencing some rather unusual health problems. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't visit the doctor for any random problem, and honestly I don't blame him. Doctors can be difficult. They can give you half-assed information, all the time believing that what they say is gospel, because let's face it..they are gods. Or at least that's what they want us to think.

Yup.

When he first attempted to approach a doctor regarding his new condition, he was met with a prostate exam, and orders to take antibiotics and 2400 mgs of ibuprofen per day. Ok sure. So there's a problem and let's just get rid of all the germs and all the pain and make it all better. But wait, Mr. Doctor. You don't even know for sure what the problem is. Hmmm back to the drawing board.

Dr. Scary says "this should fix it"

Three days later Mr. Specialist says, "Erm...kidney stone...*cough*...should pass soon...." Kthxbye. Mr. Specialist sure wasn't very special.

Hypnosis is not a viable option.

Three more days pass, new problem arises, new doctor to see on short notice. Bound to be a bust. Everybody is just so flippant and fast moving these days. 3:00 comes; appointment time. Three hours, a blood panel, an ekg, and a urine sample later, Mr. New Doctor has all his ducks in a row. What does he say? "Sometimes doctors hear one thing and they just jump to conclusions, but I don't want to do that. I want to make sure we cover all our bases and solve the problem."

Ok cool. That's good.....wait wait wait. Hold on. You want to solve the problem???? What the hell were the other doctors trying to do?

Mr Doctor #1: "I declare an enlarged prostate! So it is said, so it shall be written."
Mr. Specialist: "I declare a kidney stone! So it is said, so it shall be written."

Sounds so godly, no? I KNOW EVERYTHING BECAUSE I WENT TO GRADUATE SCHOOL FOR A BUNCH OF YEARS AND I HAVE A PIECE OF PAPER THAT DETAILS THE AWESOMENESS OF MY BRAIN. Sure. So why do we have so many doctors, if you know everything? Surely if you are so smart, you can also be omnipotent. Yes? Oh...no? So where did your answer come from? Oh....out of your ass, you say? Or is that what you were searching for during the prostate exams? You couldn't pull one out of your own ass, so....Ok I won't go on.

Really, people. It shouldn't take three doctors to finally get to the idea that "all bases should be covered" and make sure that all the tests can be done. The sad thing is that this happens all the time. How often do we hear about this exact sort of thing. "I had five doctors tell me I was imagining my symptoms until finally the sixth found out I have cancer."

This is a message to doctors: I know you are on a budget, and sometimes so is your patient. At least give them the option up front of running all necessary tests, so you can be sure. Otherwise they will have to spend a bunch of money anyways to go to various different doctors.

Anyways, thank you Mr. New Doctor. Hopefully you continue to be as helpful as you seemed today. Tuesday brings an ultrasound, and continued work with a doctor who is "intrigued and excited to learn more." I hope he was top of his class. He is so far at the top of the list.

And yes, the clip art was necessary. There's just too much good clip art out there to illustrate my point.